The Battle for Mankind

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that?

And Man said, 'Yes!'

And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'.

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'.

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?'

And Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'.

And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed .......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............. Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.


THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1.   Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2.   Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3.   Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4.   Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5.   Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6.   The French eat fois-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Many a true word is spoken in jest but…….

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.  

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. 
They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it.
Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 Internet sites.

Scenario 2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.  

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death.  Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Drops out of school.

 Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car.

1977 - His Dad gives him the slipper. Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. 
Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist.
Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario 4: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school  

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area. 
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug  possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 5: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 

1977 - Ants die.
2007 -  MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism.
Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 6: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.  
She faces three years in prison.
Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.  Johnny becomes gay.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............

1. NICKNAMES:
If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will
call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.

But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Useless.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in
$20, even though the bill is only for $22.50. None of them will
have anything smaller, and no one will actually admit they want change
back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he really wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't really want.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items,
and would be afraid to REALLY know what they are for.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

8. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

10. HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

11. LONG LIFE:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.

12. MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

13. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

14. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, and
favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

15. UNDERSTANDING:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman,
before marriage and after marriage.

THE 2007 DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the 2007 Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least-evolved among us.

And this year's glorious Winners are:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long  Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honourable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.  When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

Start January 2008 With a Special Treat

Chalk drawings from English pavement artist Julian Beever who is famous for his art on the pavements and sidewalks of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium.

Julian gives his drawings an amazing 3D illusion!

Remember, as you view them.......  these are all done on flat walkways!
 
 

I wonder if this will quench your thirst?

Spot Julian himself on the top of the bottle.

His fate is 'sealed'

Do you notice everything is fake???   Even the hose and water!

Plain sailing.

Look closely.... you can see the bricks through the chalk on the monitor screen!

There is no hole in this pavement!!

Dig this picture!

People are actually avoiding walking in the "hole!"

Artistic licence.

More artistic licence.

Which is the real guy & the real beer?!

Dig this!

It's down there somewhere.

Perhaps down a little more.

Paydirt!!

Girl in swimming pool (Remember.... both his feet, in reality, are flat on the pavement!)

Girl in swimming pool seen in reverse from opposite side of drawing

Politicians meeting their end!!!!!!

World's biggest fly-spray!

This drawing of a rescue was to be viewed using an inverting mirror

Girl on a beach mat.

"Make Poverty History"

"Make Poverty History" drawing viewed from the side (40 ft. long)

Lobster meal.

Lobster meal, seen in reverse from the opposite side of the drawing.

You can still see the blocks of concrete.

Spiderman to the rescue !!

Batman and Robin to the rescue!

Impressed?  I was!!

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